It's 10am on Sunday morning, and Ling Lu has just begun the day with a load of laundry and a cigarette. Bedhead still plastered around her delicate face, she apologizes, "I look better in person than on camera...at least let me wash my face."
Apart from the chain-smoking, her apartment is immaculate. Stuffed animals and perfume bottles are tidily arranged on glass shelves. Every surface appears free of dust. The kitchen is well-stocked with gleaming pots and pans. The walls are bare except a row of empty picture frames hung above her desk, and a large framed photo of her in a wedding dress propped up against the floor.
"Oh yeah, that was me. I was almost married. It didn't work out."
The photo is of a classic bride in white, staring demurely into a bouquet of yellow roses, alone. A black skull tattoo peeks around her upper arm, only slightly visible. The photo was taken last year. Through a cloud of cigarette smoke she said, "Actually, this was the person I loved the most. But we can't marry."
When the picture was taken, she had been dating him for almost two years. They wanted to marry. He was fifteen years her senior and divorced, with a teenage son. Somber and plain, he didn't make much of an impression on her when they first met. From her cosmetics industry background, Lu Ling was used to flashier men. He persisted stubbornly, watching cartoons with her at night even though he was bored to death, and enduring her chain-smoking even though he hated it.
"I'm a very simple person, and in my heart I haven't let go of the young girl's way of thinking. I can't handle complicated family life," she explained.
Her ordinary family background meant that although native to Beijing, she rents her own apartment and pays her own rent, a third of her 9000RMB/month salary. Neither of their families supported the relationship. Her family thought it he was too old. His mother pressed him, "why would this girl, fifteen years younger, with a good job and good looks, want you? You have a son, you're divorced, you're not very attractive. It must be for your money. She'll be with you for a year, then she'll take your money and leave."
She often pressured the man to make a choice between his family and her. His mother wouldn't look at her when she spoke, and the teenage son would flip over the bowl when she tried to serve him food. "I'm a passive person, I would never pursue a man", she said, explaining how this man became invited into her life, "I wouldn't pursue him even if he was well off, which I didn't think he was." They fought often, and she vowed to never kowtow to his mother.
Eventually he stopped coming by. They fell out of touch.
As a young child, Ling Lu was vain and loved fussing over her own clothes. At the same time she loved fighting and was fascinated by guns. She longed to be a soldier when she grew up. Now 32, she loves toys, cartoons, and animals, yet spends hours sterilizing her apartment every week. "Age is an attitude. I still think I'm really young, like a child, but other people don't think so." Her mother calls often to pressure her to go on blind dates.
"Most of my girlfriends are attracted to men for one reason, for example, either they are very attractive, or they have a lot of money, or they treat them very well. I want a more balanced person. My old boss told me I'm the hardest kind of woman to satisfy. He said, you don't know what you want. Either you pick someone who is rich, or you pick someone who loves you, but you want it all."
"So I think, I'm 32, I've been waiting for a long time, I'm going to hold out until the one I want arrives."
Apart from the chain-smoking, her apartment is immaculate. Stuffed animals and perfume bottles are tidily arranged on glass shelves. Every surface appears free of dust. The kitchen is well-stocked with gleaming pots and pans. The walls are bare except a row of empty picture frames hung above her desk, and a large framed photo of her in a wedding dress propped up against the floor.
"Oh yeah, that was me. I was almost married. It didn't work out."
The photo is of a classic bride in white, staring demurely into a bouquet of yellow roses, alone. A black skull tattoo peeks around her upper arm, only slightly visible. The photo was taken last year. Through a cloud of cigarette smoke she said, "Actually, this was the person I loved the most. But we can't marry."
When the picture was taken, she had been dating him for almost two years. They wanted to marry. He was fifteen years her senior and divorced, with a teenage son. Somber and plain, he didn't make much of an impression on her when they first met. From her cosmetics industry background, Lu Ling was used to flashier men. He persisted stubbornly, watching cartoons with her at night even though he was bored to death, and enduring her chain-smoking even though he hated it.
"I'm a very simple person, and in my heart I haven't let go of the young girl's way of thinking. I can't handle complicated family life," she explained.
Her ordinary family background meant that although native to Beijing, she rents her own apartment and pays her own rent, a third of her 9000RMB/month salary. Neither of their families supported the relationship. Her family thought it he was too old. His mother pressed him, "why would this girl, fifteen years younger, with a good job and good looks, want you? You have a son, you're divorced, you're not very attractive. It must be for your money. She'll be with you for a year, then she'll take your money and leave."
She often pressured the man to make a choice between his family and her. His mother wouldn't look at her when she spoke, and the teenage son would flip over the bowl when she tried to serve him food. "I'm a passive person, I would never pursue a man", she said, explaining how this man became invited into her life, "I wouldn't pursue him even if he was well off, which I didn't think he was." They fought often, and she vowed to never kowtow to his mother.
Eventually he stopped coming by. They fell out of touch.
As a young child, Ling Lu was vain and loved fussing over her own clothes. At the same time she loved fighting and was fascinated by guns. She longed to be a soldier when she grew up. Now 32, she loves toys, cartoons, and animals, yet spends hours sterilizing her apartment every week. "Age is an attitude. I still think I'm really young, like a child, but other people don't think so." Her mother calls often to pressure her to go on blind dates.
"Most of my girlfriends are attracted to men for one reason, for example, either they are very attractive, or they have a lot of money, or they treat them very well. I want a more balanced person. My old boss told me I'm the hardest kind of woman to satisfy. He said, you don't know what you want. Either you pick someone who is rich, or you pick someone who loves you, but you want it all."
"So I think, I'm 32, I've been waiting for a long time, I'm going to hold out until the one I want arrives."
